I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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