your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
