the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
