Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Everclear isn't food dammit
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
