I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize