did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
