I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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