Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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