I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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