hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
