Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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