its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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