So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
