I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
