Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
