For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
