I hate your face
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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