I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
