So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
