Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
