Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
