Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
