She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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