I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
