I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
