M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
