I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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