Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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