She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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