I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
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I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
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Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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