does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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