At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
