Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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