Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
