We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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