I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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