I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
