I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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