they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
dude. I can hear the air.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize