who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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