Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
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