he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
