Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
