Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
