I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
