The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
