They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
