We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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