She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
