That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
