My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
