omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
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