You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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