Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
